I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and a stranger rape at age 22. Not finding the resources or assistance to heal myself, I became a survivor speaker and sexual assault advocate. a public survivor encircled me in a community of people who related to my pain and validated my experience, but abandoning my own feelings prolonged my recovery. I went in search of a new identity and wore my survivor armor well. Inside, I was an empty shell. I wasn’t honest with myself or the people in my life about how deeply I was affected by trauma. I became anorexic and suffered from complex PTSD, an anxiety disorder with acute panic attacks, and blackouts.

 

Almost a decade later, (my) rape was solved through a cold case hit and the perpetrator was found guilty. I was told writing an impact statement was optional. Even as a writer, I wished for guidance and found few examples online. I dug deep and delivered a victim impact statement to a packed courtroom. The judge cited my words when she imposed the maximum sentence. Former Manhattan District Attorney Robert M. Morgenthau pointed to the indictment to support his call to expand New York State’s DNA Databank and pass the Predatory Sexual Assault statute. The case was also instrumental in helping to eliminate New York State’s statute of limitations on sexual assault. For the first time, I felt heard, and realized how powerful language can be.  

 

In 2015, I invited the dictionary into my world and transitioned to writing full-time. Slowly, I began to heal my trauma by writing through it. I saw cyclical patterns and addressed my self-destructive behavior: depravation, fixing others, minimizing “smaller” traumas, trauma bonding, defining myself by what happened to me rather than nurturing my authentic self with compassion and empathy. Before I could be of service to others, I needed to press pause and walk through my own experiences for as long as it took.

 

I did do the work. I am not a heroine; I am a human being who is many things: a daughter, niece, dog mom, friend, writer, photographer, a survivor recovering in this life. I know how to set boundaries. I know what parts of my life I want to share and the parts I want to keep for myself. I am no longer addicted to my trauma. Every day, I ask myself, Did I put my oxygen mask on first?

 

Helping sexual assault survivors write through their experiences and reclaim their identity merges two decades of advocacy work, public speaking, my personal healing, and becoming a professional writer. I am a truthteller who helps other survivors reauthor their experiences and reclaim their identities in a healthy, thoughtful, and effective ways. I’ve been there. I’m still there.  

 

In recovery, there is no shortcut or magic pill. In my work, I emphasize awareness, self-care, and self-discovery. I believe we are stronger at the broken places. For as long as you need, I will hold that space for you, share what did and didn’t work for me, and be a small part of your personal journey to a truthful and whole existence with love, care, humor and respect.